Hate
by windwhisprer
Summary: [53][39][oneshot] I couldn’t hate Goku, he was like a brother to me, and Gods knew I couldn’t hate Sanzo. So I mostly hated myself. I could do that.


**A/N:** I know I'm not one to write Gojyo/Sanzo stuff, but after watching ep. 22 of Reload, I was inspired. (Which is weird, because I was rewatching it, and I've read the manga) I'm mostly a 39 fan, and it shows in here. This is in Gojyo's point of veiw, I might add. This was my first, and probably my last 53 story, so enjoy it!

Comments/criticism and all that is loved please and thank you!

**Hate**

I've always known Sanzo as a powerful person. There was not a weak part of him. Any vulnerability was sealed away, lost in a sea of anger and scowls. That's what I loved about him. He was so tough, even if all odds were against him. But when we faced Kami-sama, I saw a weakened side. A side I never even thought Sanzo possessed. It broke my heart to see. I hated that I was so weak.

I panicked when I heard Sanzo's screaming. I dropped my conversation with Hakkai and bolted into the room where the young monk was writhing and screaming. I was stunned for a moment, before grinding my teeth. Pushing his hands to his side, I climbed on top of him. I'd always wanted to do this, but this wasn't the situation I'd imagined. "Snap out of it Sanzo!" I cried. Still, the man screamed and wiggled, as though I was an attacker determined to kill him. I hated that my words, my presence couldn't sooth him.

"Where the hell's the monkey? He should be here!" I bit my tongue the second the words slipped from my mouth. I hated that I said that. I could feel Hakkai's sympathetic looks from the doorway. I hated those looks. He knew. He always knew. I hated that he knew.

The next second there was a hand on my arm. My eyes snapped over, surprised to find Goku at my side. His expression was set in a straight line, no emotions playing on his features. I numbly slid off as Goku took my place, pinning Sanzo's arms to the bed and climbing on top of him in an attempt to keep his kicking legs still. The young man bent down to the man's ear, whispering so low neither Hakkai or I could hear.

I hated that it worked.

A few seconds later Sanzo's kicking stopped, and his wiggling died down. He grit his teeth, eyes clenched closed in his nightmare. Goku's whispering neither stopped, nor grew any louder. A minute later the barkeeper came running in with a sedative. Sanzo grit his teeth, before a second later he slipped into a deep state of unconsciousness.

Goku slid off, and left without a word.

I hated the connection Goku and Sanzo had. I hated the way Goku could come running if Sanzo had a paper cut. I hated the way Sanzo would do the same. For that, maybe I hated them both. I wanted to, but deep down I knew I couldn't. I couldn't hate Goku, he was like a brother to me, and Gods knew I couldn't hate Sanzo.

So I mostly hated myself. I could do that.

I spent the rest of the night in Sanzo's room. I was unable to sleep, but I liked to listen to the man's breathing. I was afraid to leave, truthfully. I was afraid to fall asleep, and wake up surrounded by the dead. I was here, in the monkey's place. To make sure nothing happened to Sanzo.

That was when—with a gasp—the monk sat straight up, eyes wide but unseeing as the man sat to catch his breath. I stared. In the dim light, I could make out the tears that slid down Sanzo's face. I must've imaged them for sweat, I decided.

I watched as he slowly pushed the blankets off of him, and turned to stand. He was in a lot of pain; I could see that as he groaned and grunted as his body refused to work. 'Hey," I drawled on slowly, the cigarette hanging loosely in my lips. "Where do you think you're going?"

Sanzo placed a shaky foot to the ground, pulling himself to his feet. "I'm going back…" he said in a gruff voice laced with pain. I continued to watch, amused, as Sanzo managed to hold himself up. "He has… my scripture."

The sudden determination in his eyes made my stomach twist. The Sanzo I knew was back, even if his body couldn't keep up with how angry he was. I knew I couldn't just let him go like that. He would die just climbing up that enormous staircase. "Then just go," I drawled lazily, pulling the cigarette from my lips. "If you can."

He managed to take several steps forwards, before his legs gave out under him, and he collapsed. I moved to help him, when he began moving on his own. Placing a hand in front of him, then another, he began to drag his sorry form across the floor. He probably would've dragged himself right into Kami-sama's place if he could. So I did nothing to stop him. I watched, as slowly but surely, he pulled himself towards the door.

Finally, I closed my eyes, listening to the material of his jeans scrape across the floor, accompanied by the soft pats of his hands and the uneven breathing.

I felt like crap; as I listened to him drag himself across the floor. I felt like I'd failed Sanzo. I'd dragged them all up there. It was my fault. I should have died alone. I couldn't believe that I had dragged Sanzo into all this. The man was so desperate. How could I deny him what he wanted?

Finally, after what felt like far too long, Sanzo gave out, collapsing right in front of me, completely out cold. His mind must've forced him to black out from the pain. He was such… an idiot. I got to my feet, grabbing his arm and slinging it over my shoulder. Then, I slowly dragged his sorry ass back to bed. I hated how heavy he was. I hated how this was such a challenge. I hated how weak I'd become.

I placed him in bed, bending down next to him and listening. He looked so angelic when he slept, like nothing could bother him. I sighed, when a soft muttering caught my ears. I leaned in closer to try and hear better.

"…Goku…" and then the man slipped into a deeper state of sleep.

I became instantly angry, turning my back to him; I slumped to the floor, interlacing my fingers in front of my face. I hated the fact that I'd become so excited to hear the man murmur. I hated the fact that I was always clinging to his every word.

Mostly, I hated the fact that I couldn't hate him.


End file.
